We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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