I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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