DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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