If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I forgot how hot balto sounded
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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