i think my tv is drunk
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
