i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I love you.
Bad choice
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
