not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The best revenge is premature balding
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
