i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
