Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
