Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
