I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
