It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
