She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
