He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
