My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
