just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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