I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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