He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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