i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
