god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
