So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
