Your face is a jimmy john
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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