The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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