i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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