I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
