Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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