whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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