whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
