Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
