If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
