half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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