The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
