So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
