Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
