Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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