I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
