I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
