I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
