I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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