It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
