Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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