I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
