what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
