I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize