I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
