Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
