i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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