Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Bring me that man meat
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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