sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
