No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
