The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
