She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My vagina just recognized that song.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
