the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
