Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
