i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
