I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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